July 19, 2000
"Pornography degrades and dehumanizes our fellow human beings. It has no place in a decent society."
-- George W. Bush, declaring 'Pornography Awareness Week'
It's a minor confession:
I'm a hardcore porn junky.
Ever since I first learned how to scrub the internet for anything at all,
I was prowling for porn.
I have always chosen not to introspect on this issue;
I don't want to discover that there's an unhealthy foundation
Behind my little online quests.
I like violent porn.
I like to see women getting raped,
Being seduced,
Treated like animals made for fucking.
Sometimes, I back the Larry Flynt attitude,
And see pornography as an offshoot of free speech,
Feel righteous and protective of it.
As a rule, I am very resentful of the government stepping in to
Control anybody's personal life -- especially my own,
And in general feel that the more
"Out in the open" We are about such things, the more our society will flourish.
I have some libertarian leanings.
I would always rather that children were exposed to sex over violence, a preference that our society does not support.
However, sometimes I'm skeptical about the impact of the whole idea;
That I'm more likely to surreptitiously view internet sites filled with strangers touching themselves intimately than attempt to
Initiate a romantic relationship with a real human equal...
... Is a little alarming.
That I am eager to watch people I don't know engaging in some of the most intimate of acts... makes me wonder, especially when an important factor is that the model(s) acknowledge me as their viewer...
..When I detach myself from my impulsive emotions and immediate hormonal response, the practice seems a little alien.
I want to believe that pornography is harmless.
I want to laugh at the religious zealots that harshly condemn it as a misuse of God's gift of sex...
But sometimes, I run across studies like Edward Donnerstein's that show overwhelming results of the desensitization porn induces on its viewers.
I feel like it's innocent when I'm looking at it,
But then I think of how many rapes are perpetrated on a regular basis, and wonder if there could be any possible correlation.
As animals that learn the majority of our behavior through imitation, I wonder what sort of training we expose ourselves to through perpetually surrounding ourselves with images of the exploitation of others.
Defining exploitation is hard for me.
My immediate inclination is to defend pornography where the model has made the decision to participate and consents to the rammifications of their actions...
However, I also realize that exploitation can occur without the exploited's realization.
Pornography makes me detached from others...
Mostly because I often feel like I should hide what I do,
Or be ashamed of it...
But I realize that I'm often less likely to take other female's complaints of harassment or abuse seriously...
...Because on some level, the idea turns me on.
And I want it to be okay.
Growing up, I did not live in close quarters with parents that would have sex around me.
My largest source of sexual education has come from pornography.
Since the majority of pornography is fabricated and absurd and detached from reality,
It follows that I've often had expectations and misconceptions about the process... and that seems silly.
When I hear other girls talking about sexual experiences they've had,
Describing incidents where they have not been enjoying a situation but felt like they were expected to act pleasured and so forth... That seems like a likely fucked-up off-shoot of the whole porn thang.
Ideally, our society would be more open about real sex so we wouldn't have to turn to these silicon and plastic misrepresentations and feel naughtly all the time about something that makes us feel wonderful.
All the hardcore stuff;
The rape porn,
And humiliation porn,
seem like sickly branches off the idea that sex is shameful and dirty.
If we could get over that, maybe neurotic pervert porn would lose its interest, weird repressive behaviors resulting in rape and molestation would be diminished,
And I could rest happily at night with a free conscience,
Watching as much porn as my heart desired,
Without worrying too much about feeding some terrible, Violent beast.
With all my doubts and fears,
I can't seem to stop looking at porn.
I still download lewd content at every opportunity
And am perpetually coming up with new ways to obtain
And relish this nonsense...
...It's madness, really.
And very silly, too.
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Drop me a line & Make my Day:
Silence Bellows@yahoo.com
Hittin' Below The Belt
Don't Have A Cow, Man.
