By Thursday, I have to decide what the nature of humanity is.
I must describe what is life, what is death, and if there is anything more to life after death.
I am wallowing in anxious procrastination.
Until now, I have always flippantly said,
"Eh...I can't ever know the truth of the situation and
I would prefer to spend my energy debating other things of more import."
But on Thursday, I must cast my ballot.

In general, I am not certain of my beliefs. That is my disclaimer.
My language may suggest more certainty than I hold.

I do not believe in Heaven.
I do not believe, for the most part, that when a person dies,
any aspect of them moves on or continues to live.
I believe we are very mortal beings with a highly complex nervous system
and lots and lots of chemicals and circuitry.
I believe that when we die, our systems shut down.
And we cease to be.

Yet, I am viscerally afraid of ghosts and spirits and presences -
and feel - as deeply as I go - that every thing has some sort of a spirit or life-force beyond its bodily form.
I could explain those feelings as aspects of my chemistry and circuitry,
but explaining it that way isn't satisfying.

I do not want to be a burst of electricity that dies off when a switch is flicked.
I am saddened when I think of my own temporariness.
But having some certainty one way or another would be helpful in making life choices.
If I am quite temporary, as I tend to believe, I make choices to fill the space I have with a lot.
Having some certainty one way or another would certainly help get this essay written.

Reincarnation sounds so clean to me.
I would like to believe in it.
But really, I don't.
Descriptions of afterlives seem entirely too unlikely.
If souls exist on the earth in the same plane as all the corporeal living beings, do souls have mass?
In what domain could they possibly exist?
Could they be like ideas?
Do only humans have souls?
If so, how does that distinction get made?
Argh.

How could I have thought that beginning this would give me a satisfying end?
It never has before.
I will write an essay tonight, and I will pretend to be Taoist.
I will claim that life and death and the soul and self are all arbitrary distinctions.
And that all there is is.
And that that's all there is to it.
And maybe I will use some thoughtful language and I will back my claim up through things I don't fully believe...
And maybe I will get a good grade.
But in the end, I am still a flippant bastard with many, many more questions than answers.
And now I will go spend my energy debating other things.
Asleep.

-----------------------------------

Little bits of thoughts. The first line changes every hour, the second line changes every minute, and the third line? Well, that changes every second. Isn't that pat?

*More Brain Farts*

|9-11-01| |Uprooted| |Road Trippin'| |Listen| |Guns| |Havoc| |A Long December| |Election 2000|
|Hair & Growth| |Corporate Shit| |Broke & Horny|
|Pornography| |In The Shower| |Finding Beauty| |Eating Flesh|
|I Was Stabbed| |Nude Pics| |Being Art|
|Shut the Fuck Up| |Weird Diseases| |Make Me Love You| |Up In Smoke|
|Tribal Angst| |Romping in Snow| |Goodbye, little cat|
|Loathsome Calvin Decals| |Think Different Campaign| |School's Out Blues| |AP Testing Panic|
|Masturbation in the Library|









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